Compromised Focus

Screaming in basements to avoid being heard,

Typing out thoughts so patience doesn’t have to be tested,

It’s all become so routine;

Figuring out how to make the loudest noise yet remain concealed

In an absent-minded and loud world.

Exhausted at the resonance of criticism,

Flattened by the glare of chosen ignorance,

My disdain for sleep is tested by my stronger desire to avoid people.

While my body will be in far worse pain if I lay down uselessly,

It’s better than the pain of being surrounded by people

whose interactions feel like they’re done out of duty rather than hospitality.

Why believe you’re in a group when the people make you feel lonely?

Why sit next to someone who seems as though they’re deaf to your voice only?

I’m confused as to what relationships are actually supposed to do,

Especially since people seem to favor conversations on screens involving icons and abbreviations,

Rather than human engagement and sound.

Why should I see you in person when I can see you just fine on my phone screen?


Don’t waste your touch You won’t feel anything

 

 

Exit Sign or Starting Line

Time to pack it in,

Get on up and out of here.

Leaving with less than I arrived with,

But also more than I could have expected.

I’ve learned a whole bunch of nothing,

And pieces of a few things.

I don’t know where to go,

Or what to say;

I just know I’m leaving,

And my eyes are to remain straight ahead

not looking back for even a second.

My brain is faint,

Eyes are drooping & dropping;

Either I’m tired or too tired of being tired.

And so, is an exit sign  or a starting line?

I guess it’s a matter of perspective.

Either way, this is one line

I’m definitely looking to cross.

——————————————————————-

,

Just Short on Change

“Goins! Goings! Gongs! Goings!”

Amidst these misunderstood yells,

An empty cup is identified as an empty shaker.

Whether my pockets are empty or full,

Much to the dismay of the person clearly shaken,

They won’t receive the change they actually need.

When your mind is on a journey,

That somehow your body missed the invitation to;

The changes worth considering or needed,

Don’t typically jingle.

As the shopkeeper laughs insultingly,

While giving a glare that is almost parental;

Change is desired from the situation.

But for once,

a jingling of a pocket would be hope ringing out.

As buildings fall like tears,

And prices grow almost as fast as children;

Transition is inevitable,

And yet your white knuckles grip something that need not remain.

It’s ironic how that which we put forth most effort to keep,

Is exactly what prevents us from reaching our true & highest potential.

Whether it be habits of abuse or excess,

Mental paths darker than winter at the North pole.

In our twisted & misguided plan to be true unto ourselves,

We valiantly lie & cheat in order to find comfort.

Would you,

Truly,

Like some change?

———————————

Don’t ty

Exploratory Surgery

Sometimes my mind is so congested with speech,

I wish I could hire a surgeon to slice it open;

As if my thoughts could just be filtered out that simply,

Or maybe not even filtered but rather released.

Amidst the breaking morning light & fatigues blurry sight,

I reach out similar to a blind man,

Feeling the darkness in order to sense a lightness of being.

Children are often scolded as they put themselves in danger,

But what if they’re reminding us to be curious again?

Of course, we should protect those we care about;

But what if in the times of danger,

They’re doing the main thing they can to call out the good in the unknown?

What if they’re reminding us that our enslavement to fear is voluntary?

—————–

Awakened by Apathy, Surprised by Salvation

I step onto dung encrusted pavement,

All my senses aside from taste are assaulted simultaneously.

I begin my usual, almost redundant, & predictable walk;

A walk of streets that for some inspire fear & anxiety

others are inspired to hunger for power & respect.

My main hunger as I walk these streets is typically either for food or to not be noticed.

On days where I’m noticed,

I have various choices.

I honestly speak & interact with whomever I encounter

resulting in mixed reactions ranging from pleasant to angry;

Or I can act ignorant & blind,

Either choosing to act as though I’m afraid of the tough talkers

or acting as though I don’t see the atrocities that keep these streets busy.

Sometimes I think so much that I wait for my brain to explode,

But the bomb never goes off;

And neither does my mind.

It just keeps running these marathons of contemplation;

Like a cocktail of aggravation & meditation.

It’s truly ironic & strange how we often embody what we hate,

Better to see the irony though before it’s too late;

It’s about taking time not some stupid concept of fate.

This is a call to people who actually think;

Next time you complain about a character trait or habit you don’t like,

Step back & take a look at yourself.

——————————————————————————————–

When looking to make changes(really of any kind), please as tempting as it is; don’t begin to think you can do it completely alone.

Beneficial Disrepair

Have you ever rejoiced because you broke something?

I’ve only had this privilege a select amount of times,

In moments of intentional demolition,

But it really is special.

Then again, to suggest joy can come from a season of life filled with melancholy

Seems to be folly.

We must not break things within ourselves or outside at will,

But we must also not let brokenness delude us into believing time should stand still.

Things fall apart, feelings are hurt, hearts and windows are broken alike.

But sometimes, the only way to start afresh

Is to break.

Break away from the mindless patterns,

Break down the panopticon housing your soul.

Take back the freedom you gave away,

As well as the freedom you never knew was your own.

Let your revolution be a revolution per second,

A moment to moment process and change.

Don’t look to revolutionize the world,

When you haven’t taken the time to revolutionize yourself.

There are days I feel beyond repair,

And then days like today help me actually rest in my chair.

I know I need help and need to be completely restored,

But being broken or in need of repair

is sometimes the main way to learn how to better or move forward.

———————————————————————————————-

A treasured quote that has helps me as I continue learning how to be vulnerable. 

“We take things as they come. We learn as we go. We learn better when we’re not alone.”

To Write Content

“Am I really contemplative,

Or am I just great not having anything to say?”

Often in moments of self-doubt,

This what I’m ironically contemplating.

As I shake out my pen,

I find that desire isn’t enough for ink to meet the page.

It’s not until I feel similar to my dried out pen,

As if there isn’t much left,

That the wall that holds back my thoughts is finally destroyed.

I used to truly believe friends are evil,

while it’s a good song title it doesn’t make for a great belief.

But what are you to think,

When those you trusted most ended up being no better than a toxic coral reef?

Friendship has been, and still is at times, a challenge.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t desire friends,

To have a group I can be completely as I am

that i can learn from and teach as well.

I think I’m finding people like this,

But at time there is a distinct problem preventing any relationship.

Myself.

So when you’re your own biggest problem,

What is there to do but contemplate?

And so,

Here I am again.

Thinking, typing, orchestrated maneuvers in solitude.

———————————————————————-