Retiring from Performance

I had a most empowering moment of powerlessness today,

As I sat hoping to find calm in a cold Autumn breeze.

For as long as I can remember,

I’ve felt like someone or something “other” than most anyone you could meet,

As if I was some sort of twisted concoction that ended up becoming human.

My otherness hasn’t faded away,

but I don’t see it as anything of significance.

No longer is it a burden nor is it something to be proud of,

It is just part of my existence.

With this, I’ve also found that all wonderment of why I may not be able to connect with people has been spent.

I’m not saying there isn’t a single person I connect with,

And this isn’t a melodramatic cry of woe is me.

But I continue to show kindness to people that I all too often look at in the midst of maybe our fourth or fifth conversation,

And I can see clearly that they’re ready to exit as long as they can do it “politely”.

If they want to be polite,

Don’t waste my damn time.

If I’m just not your “type”,

Please just say from the beginning,

I don’t even care if it’s a pre-judgment that ends up being your tool to judge me;

The quicker you decide there is no need to know my name,

The longer I have of my day to use in a more practical way as opposed to feeding your ego.

It may be called a “first impression” but if you’re waiting for me to impress you,

You might want to sit down and get comfortable.

It’s not that I’m boring,

But I’m sure as hell not a circus monkey.

I’m better at saying goodbye than I am at saying hello,

I’m not withdrawing or refusing to try;

I’ve just never had time to waste and I have places to go.


From Strength to Strength

I used to think,

The way to know you were strong was by never admitting that you were weak.

Then again, I saw weakness to embody a sort of insignificance.

As if weakness makes those who are stuck by it the lesser; not only is this wrong but it doesn’t make sense.

 

There are times when I’ve felt weaker than I ever thought was possible,

And it’s from these I find most often that I’ve gained strength.

That in my being weak,

I gained strength while remaining meek.

To boast of strength gained,

Ignoring the pain that brought it forth and discarding the weak,

Is proof only of the strength of your ego & witless speech.

 

I’m learning to be prepared rather than panicked,

Aware instead of anxious or agitated.

That’s not to say there has been only one day,

Where I proverbially stuck my finger in the electric socket akin to a baby.

 

This saying,

Both an encouragement and a longing.

For every time we’ve the strength for our eyes to open see,

A new day is dawning.

It won’t necessarily be what was planned or desired,

But it sure will be new.

Why fret,

Why have you cried?

For if every plan we conjured in our finite minds came to pass,

We may as well never go outside and this day be our last.

For we’d live in a world of chaos,

As supposedly picture perfect it’d all be,

How utterly crass.

 

For the decisions I’ve made, need to make, and have yet to make;

I hold them all equally.

Some I’m not happy about or proud of,

But I know that wisdom can’t be caught with a glove.

Wisdom can’t even be taught,

How do you think there ended up being so many ridiculous and ignorant teachers?

 

Thank you God, for my family and friends.

You continue to tie up my sanities loose ends.

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