Compromised Focus

Screaming in basements to avoid being heard,

Typing out thoughts so patience doesn’t have to be tested,

It’s all become so routine;

Figuring out how to make the loudest noise yet remain concealed

In an absent-minded and loud world.

Exhausted at the resonance of criticism,

Flattened by the glare of chosen ignorance,

My disdain for sleep is tested by my stronger desire to avoid people.

While my body will be in far worse pain if I lay down uselessly,

It’s better than the pain of being surrounded by people

whose interactions feel like they’re done out of duty rather than hospitality.

Why believe you’re in a group when the people make you feel lonely?

Why sit next to someone who seems as though they’re deaf to your voice only?

I’m confused as to what relationships are actually supposed to do,

Especially since people seem to favor conversations on screens involving icons and abbreviations,

Rather than human engagement and sound.

Why should I see you in person when I can see you just fine on my phone screen?


Don’t waste your touch You won’t feel anything

 

 

Au revoir, à mon coeur et à mon âme

Walking pathways of death as respectful as one is able,

You find an occasional numb in the midst of being overwhelmed or unknowing of what to do and how to feel.

Faces of those who might know the area as home are illumined and regarded,

Faces of those visiting are studied as well out of curiosity,

And then those who are seeking a new home in this unfamiliar land;

They are the ones who you do your best to assure they have been seen,

While the world may seemingly pass them by.

In a world on edge,

Below ground can be a place to find peace.

When walking caverns that have become hallowed halls of history,

A certain stillness is found even when actively observing your surroundings;

knowing you’ve temporarily escaped the chaos and noise of society above.

In refining one’s self, you find that you also lose pieces of your “self”;

It makes you wonder if it’ll all be worthwhile,

or if it will be just another phase or season.

Something meant for a scrapbook rather than a defining step forward as a human,

Compulsion rather than immersion.

My critical eyes have been poked many times over,

But I believe the time has come to gouge them out.

For I’d rather gain knowledge blindly and objectively,

then have the privilege of sight but also the handicap of unneeded critique.

With bones dislocated, emotions suppressed or dead, and a mind rather empty;

What good would I pose as just another spoon fed oaf?

As I prepare to leave,

I don’t have a final destination.

As the mirror reflects a face that is familiar,

I don’t immediately acknowledge it as my own.

Maybe a shadow of someone I knew,

Or someone I’d rather forget I met.

Just a sketch of someone or something,

From a place no longer existent.

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Stream of Consciousness 4/10/15

Blindfolded & carried away,

Deathly afraid & hoping this is all a nightmare I’m soon to wake from;

It sometimes seems the more understanding I gain,

The more confusing that which is my every day life becomes.

I begin wheezing,

Mind racing like a sports car with a cinder block on the gas pedal;

Only to realize the fear,

as with most fear realistically,

Is both irrational & irrelevant.

Changes can be overwhelming,

But are very needed.

Having little to no idea what is on the horizon has become normal;

It’s something I try earnestly to be grateful for,

But on the days when my heart resembles that of a time bomb

it’s difficult to have gratitude.

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My thoughts feel like a tattered mess,

Or at least a room that looks to have had a tornado in it.

As I’m serenaded by the varying sounds of songs after in my ears,

Black by Pearl Jam to Reason by Benea Reach,

The music brings the beginning of order to my scattered insides.

Even these words aren’t necessarily needed,

But they are here now in existence.

Casualties of circumstance.

Where am I going?

What’s next?

Why am I asking questions that don’t necessarily need to be answered?

Sometimes it’s wonder even how or why we question?

Are we seeking answers,

Or are we merely asking for information that we can’t handle?

Don’t waste your thoughts and energy on that which is too much for you,

Lay your anxieties down and move on.