Au revoir, à mon coeur et à mon âme

Walking pathways of death as respectful as one is able,

You find an occasional numb in the midst of being overwhelmed or unknowing of what to do and how to feel.

Faces of those who might know the area as home are illumined and regarded,

Faces of those visiting are studied as well out of curiosity,

And then those who are seeking a new home in this unfamiliar land;

They are the ones who you do your best to assure they have been seen,

While the world may seemingly pass them by.

In a world on edge,

Below ground can be a place to find peace.

When walking caverns that have become hallowed halls of history,

A certain stillness is found even when actively observing your surroundings;

knowing you’ve temporarily escaped the chaos and noise of society above.

In refining one’s self, you find that you also lose pieces of your “self”;

It makes you wonder if it’ll all be worthwhile,

or if it will be just another phase or season.

Something meant for a scrapbook rather than a defining step forward as a human,

Compulsion rather than immersion.

My critical eyes have been poked many times over,

But I believe the time has come to gouge them out.

For I’d rather gain knowledge blindly and objectively,

then have the privilege of sight but also the handicap of unneeded critique.

With bones dislocated, emotions suppressed or dead, and a mind rather empty;

What good would I pose as just another spoon fed oaf?

As I prepare to leave,

I don’t have a final destination.

As the mirror reflects a face that is familiar,

I don’t immediately acknowledge it as my own.

Maybe a shadow of someone I knew,

Or someone I’d rather forget I met.

Just a sketch of someone or something,

From a place no longer existent.

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Choices: Arrival & Departure

Words, for close to a year now;

Have been nearly impossible to find.

A paragraph of personal writing seemed to require an act of God,

But considering all existence is an act of God in and of itself;

I guess, it’s not as grand of a challenge as first imagined.

My mortality is the one thing giving me peace at the moment,

A world of difference from the anxiety it has provided historically.

 

Where or what I call home is officially immaterial,

And I’m grateful.

I’ve experienced things I thought always wanted recently,

Under circumstances I would’ve never chosen,

And yet I’m ready to let it all go.

To move on and have it exist merely as a memory.

Timing is still sensitive though,

That will never change.

And I’m grateful for this as well,

For it helps my reason keep on fighting my impulses quite well.

Onto another year of life,

Filled with questions and possibly not many answers

But who says that is anything to be upset about?

Another year, that I will gladly live one day at a time and no more.

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Tolerant Smiles & Body Piles

On the surface I appear to be but one thing,

But really I’m a mixture or combination of many.

It seems my skin,

Or at least its shade of pigment,

Is both an advantage & deception.

But much like everyone else could say,

It’s just how I was made.

On that note though,

How some were made has led others to take the life out of them.

And that isn’t right.

Saying it isn’t right,

Isn’t even right in and of it self!

It’s not strong enough to describe the real wrongdoing committed.

You see I come from two different cultural backgrounds by birth,

And a melting pot of another via my place of living.

But because the color of my skin,

Is that of the shade or color that is considered “normal” or “typical”;

I can typically go unnoticed and unharmed.

This isn’t and hasn’t always been the case.

When I was younger,

My “culture” was a little more easily seen,

You could say my “true colors” were on display.

Realistically I just got more sun than I typically do now.

Not making light of something that has literally started wars,

I want to admit my own shortcomings;

I want to say that I’ve been the offender as much as I’ve been the offended,

If not more.

And for that,

I truly am sorry and what to say that I am committed to doing better.

To living differently, & not tolerating anything else.

That doesn’t mean I’m judge jury or executioner to society,

I am only these things to a slight degree unto myself.

But I also won’t be silent,

That I may be confused as someone who is in approval of hate being spread;

Spread like the virus it is,

Akin only to the most violent of cancers.

Circumstances aside,

The only reason the world could truly crumble today;

Is because of the waves of hatred in human form,

That we (myself included) have decided to wash our society away in.

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This in response many things, but I finally was beyond being compelled to respond when I read this blog entry from Austin Channing-http://austinchanning.com/blog/logical-conclusion You all don’t have to, but I’d ask you to consider reading it as well. I am of Mexican & Italian blood, but an American born young man; to most though, I’m considered just another Caucasian person at least because of skin pigment. Interpret that how you will, because I don’t think I need to explain what goes into that description of people; and unfortunately it’s not just on a small scale, it’s a worldwide scale.

Walking in Cinder Block shoes

The statement to come is mostly believed as truth;

You have your good days and you have your bad days.

But, what about the days that aren’t necessarily good or bad?

The days where not everything went wrong,

But everything certainly did not go right.

The kind of days and times,

That mess with your head late into the night

And on in the next the day.

Feels like I’ve had a lot of those days lately,

And the bags under my eyes are bursting at the seams.

Every step I take feels as though I have cement for feet,

As opposed to my feet walking on the cement.

But amidst the heaviness,

The both soft and rough spots of skin remind of my humanness.

In all it’s sweet, humbling, perfectly, imperfect state.

I know that I’m sick of saying “I don’t know”,

But because I’ve only said words when I completely meant them;

I will keep saying them.

I really do not

Know.

No, I do not.

And even as my insecurities look back from the mirror at me,

Screaming at me angry and violently,

Something inside tells me that my lack of knowledge is actually for the best.

I don’t know if it’ll ever make sense,

But I’m again assured from within

that this realization is exactly right.

As I look down again,

Lost in thought or something along that line,

I see my feet;

Not the stone or cinder blocks I once thought were what moved from place to place.

They still feel heavy at times,

But the weight isn’t all mine to carry.

And so,

I move onward in the bearable heaviness of being.

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Things Change(Both Together & Apart)

Things change, we sigh to ourselves.

What about when the change is both for the best and exciting?

What about when the change is “everything” you’ve dreamed of?

Is this sigh of a feeling we could have never imagined being a part of our “perfect” dream,

Still impending?

 

Don’t wait to feel the weight of making change,

By motivationally speaking yourself through every step along the way.

To rearrange & to change are similar actions,

But hardly ever are they the feeling or emotions.

Even some of the smallest things,

Can effect us both inwardly & outwardly stronger than we’ll ever admit.

Whether it be a room having a new paint job or a friend moving away,

Yes neither of these changes are at all equal,

But we do respond to these both within & outside of ourselves.

 

If you enact a change from a place of excitement & peace,

But then feel discouraged;

This isn’t necessarily the sign of a mistake having been made,

If anything it’s just the day to day colliding with the excitement you felt of the moment.

But above all things and actions you can or cannot do,

Don’t lie to yourself about this discouragement or uneasiness.

Let it hit you,

Face it,

But don’t ask it to stick around and make “itself” comfortable.

 

The most effective action you can take when you hear a lie,

Is to identify it as untruth with the truth you know to combat it.

For lies are but slugs along the highway of true life,

And we must holdfast to truth as the salt that dissolves these slugs for the nothingness they are.

 

Congratulations on being aware of change,

But please don’t fool yourself into believing you always be happy about this awareness.

On the North Sea Shore

Sometimes I feel calm like a bomb,

While never showing it.

“Just move along”,

But now there is no ignoring it.

 

A month has come and gone,

In a place I’d never been before.

New people, languages, climate, and more;

I guess had a few expectations but had no clue was in store.

The days that have passed and even those remaining in this time frame,

Leave me wondering how I’m not leaving the same;

It’s as if I’ve changed more than could have expected,

In fact, I have.

Realizations both exciting & difficult,

Letting the fire of past frustration turn to ash.

A wind blows, both soothing and painful;

And I stand to let it hit my bodily frame in feeling my humanity.

My limitedness, my strength in frailty.

I’m at a loss for words,

Now only because I have too much to say.

Still hard to find an audience,

But I’m not nearly as concerned as I was previously.

 

The value of solitude has arisen.

And my thoughts ,while not organized, are beginning to be sorted through.

What’s next?

I have an idea,

But truly don’t know.

The nomad flies again,

Like a phoenix blazing through the northern sky..

And from the ashes, I rise.

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Friend?

Fear is present,

Ridiculousness as well.

Is the fear of something that is supposed to bring joy,

Enriching my life?

Not even a little bit.

Distinctly, and unfortunately, this word has inspired fear for many a years.

 

Friend.

 

It’s as if I can hear a trembling in my voice,

When this word is vocalized through the voice box God opened inside me.

And the worst part is that my concern is mostly unjustifiable,

Thankfully.

Sure, it was convenient as a teenager to say that Music was my “best friend”.

But, an art form is not at all comparable to the care given from one soul to another in friendship.

Yes, I have been hurt and I probably will be again in the future by “friends”.

Does this mean I should just give up,

Never try or trust anyone again?

Resign to a life of solitude,

Not from a place of seeking inner peace,

But from a place of letting inner torment consume me?

 

I’m of a faith tradition that tells of a person,

A person who was fully God and fully man.

At a time in his life where he needed friends most,

Those closest to him betrayed him in various ways all leading to his untimely death.

He miraculously came back to life,

And what did he do when he confronted these friends?

He gathered with them seeking continued relationship, a few different times, and once even prepared a meal for them.

And so, while my life is surely different, if I’m to live out the faith I profess in speech;

I want to be marked also by this unending, pure, loving loyalty.

 

Lord, teach me how to both be a friend and have friends.

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“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and [a]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.” John 15:12-17