Retiring from Performance

I had a most empowering moment of powerlessness today,

As I sat hoping to find calm in a cold Autumn breeze.

For as long as I can remember,

I’ve felt like someone or something “other” than most anyone you could meet,

As if I was some sort of twisted concoction that ended up becoming human.

My otherness hasn’t faded away,

but I don’t see it as anything of significance.

No longer is it a burden nor is it something to be proud of,

It is just part of my existence.

With this, I’ve also found that all wonderment of why I may not be able to connect with people has been spent.

I’m not saying there isn’t a single person I connect with,

And this isn’t a melodramatic cry of woe is me.

But I continue to show kindness to people that I all too often look at in the midst of maybe our fourth or fifth conversation,

And I can see clearly that they’re ready to exit as long as they can do it “politely”.

If they want to be polite,

Don’t waste my damn time.

If I’m just not your “type”,

Please just say from the beginning,

I don’t even care if it’s a pre-judgment that ends up being your tool to judge me;

The quicker you decide there is no need to know my name,

The longer I have of my day to use in a more practical way as opposed to feeding your ego.

It may be called a “first impression” but if you’re waiting for me to impress you,

You might want to sit down and get comfortable.

It’s not that I’m boring,

But I’m sure as hell not a circus monkey.

I’m better at saying goodbye than I am at saying hello,

I’m not withdrawing or refusing to try;

I’ve just never had time to waste and I have places to go.


Morning Oration

No matter how it is presented,

Or how it is supposedly justified,

Hypocrisy is one of the ugliest human traits.

 

So, what do you do when you’re the hypocrite?

The filth and poison being released into the world,

Is a burden you’re responsible for creating.

I knew most any trust I’d even imagined to possessing had been broken,

But I didn’t intend to forget what trust was altogether.

Unfortunately, I believe it happened because it just made things easier.

 

When the face you hate seeing most is your own,

You look only when required;

And make haste otherwise.

I’ve really done it this time,

And this is the oddity of mistakes.

Whence you’ve recognized you’ve lost your way,

It doesn’t always mean you need to discover a new path.

You may have run out of all resources possible to have and need to rest,

You may backtrack and seemingly digress;

But never, should you ever, give up and surrender.

 

I want to desire to trust others again,

But I believe must learn how to trust myself first.

How and why should I expect to trust people I’m around occasionally,

If I can’t be bothered to trust the person I am and will be for all time?

————————————————————

 

Walking Over & Out of Time

Voices making so much noise they eventually sound like a hiss,

The hiss of an animal or nails jaggedly scrawling down a chalkboard.

It’s a shame how age has little to no significance in relation to maturity;

When an elders speech is similar to that of bile being spit up by a drunk,

youth seems like the privilege it’s made out to be.

Flustered by the fewest questions,

Unable to establish focus in the midst of a crumbling vision.

When it seems most of what you see is negative or hideous,

Being blind suddenly changes from being considered a disability to that of a gift.

Jerking your body like an epileptic,

The only release that feels appropriate;

Appropriate in the sense that it’s your way of trying to control your own fury.

Tear ducts have become time bombs,

Reasoning has become a chore even within myself.

Callouses and bruises are signs of productivity,

Blood stains are the adult equivalent to a child being given a gold star at school.

Then again, I may just be a bit punch drunk and aggressive at the moment.

No reason to get violent.

Besides, my face is withered enough as it is from exhaustion.

Someone pounding my face like a mallet for steak,

That is the least of my needs.

Nothing to Show

Fractured skulls and broken equilibriums,

Polished shoes & furrowed brows.

Thankless & endless hours of work,

Loud & constant criticism;

Irrelevancy & apathy are spreading.

Desiring to talk things out,

Yet always coming up short on words;

Never actually heard,

Just violated and invaded.

Privacy is nonexistent.

Getting by is something to feel guilty about,

Succeeding is nearly impossible;

Lacking reason is encouraged,

Realism is synonymous with pessimism.

For the minds eye is believed to be sewn shut,

When it has only blinked after being blind for so long.

Mind is frozen. Body is withdrawn. Rest is needed but hard to secure.

—————————————————————————————-