Au revoir, à mon coeur et à mon âme

Walking pathways of death as respectful as one is able,

You find an occasional numb in the midst of being overwhelmed or unknowing of what to do and how to feel.

Faces of those who might know the area as home are illumined and regarded,

Faces of those visiting are studied as well out of curiosity,

And then those who are seeking a new home in this unfamiliar land;

They are the ones who you do your best to assure they have been seen,

While the world may seemingly pass them by.

In a world on edge,

Below ground can be a place to find peace.

When walking caverns that have become hallowed halls of history,

A certain stillness is found even when actively observing your surroundings;

knowing you’ve temporarily escaped the chaos and noise of society above.

In refining one’s self, you find that you also lose pieces of your “self”;

It makes you wonder if it’ll all be worthwhile,

or if it will be just another phase or season.

Something meant for a scrapbook rather than a defining step forward as a human,

Compulsion rather than immersion.

My critical eyes have been poked many times over,

But I believe the time has come to gouge them out.

For I’d rather gain knowledge blindly and objectively,

then have the privilege of sight but also the handicap of unneeded critique.

With bones dislocated, emotions suppressed or dead, and a mind rather empty;

What good would I pose as just another spoon fed oaf?

As I prepare to leave,

I don’t have a final destination.

As the mirror reflects a face that is familiar,

I don’t immediately acknowledge it as my own.

Maybe a shadow of someone I knew,

Or someone I’d rather forget I met.

Just a sketch of someone or something,

From a place no longer existent.

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Misunderstanding Guaranteed

 

One hand open and the other closed in a fist,

Offensively prepared in order to defend.

Straightened out after almost dying,

But why does it have to be that mortality is the only reason to try and make sense?

 

I’m amazed at what my eyes have seen,

But all the more amazed at how limited I am in perspective and insight.

My trust is much like when I try to hold your hand,

Strained at best; painful and unsure, uneasily making an effort for something desired and also frightening.

Cold winds have become a pleasure in this life with almost constant muscle pain;

While the stiffness is enhanced, it reminds me of the privilege is to be alive.

Humanity is a strange activity more often than not,

The closer you come to dying;

You may end up feeling more alive.

 

Walking a sidewalk is more akin to swimming in a sea of misinterpretation,

Surrounded by floundering intentions and emotions.

Masked attendants stand at corners waiting to cross the street,

When they can’t even understand how to interact with another human being.

Any questions?

Don’t expect an answer.

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Letting the Devil out

I won’t apologize for what I’ve already done or am currently doing,

But I’ll admit that if my conscience can catch me;

Somewhere in my future may be an apology.

Whatever label you want to put on it;

The devil, darkness, evil, hatred, etc.

All the pieces of you & I we try to forget or silence,

All of the fork tongued speech that draws response for deaf ears;

Blind leading eyes & a rough body propelled forward by a cold heart.

Justice is depicted as blind,

But I have a feeling malice has its eyes wide open.

The sad thing is this sight is not in order to recognize the outcome of hate,

But it enables a crooked worldview to seem straight.

Black & white definition have little to no endurance,

When it comes to understanding darkness & light;

There are grand imitations & humbling complexity of & in both,

And so the defining line is thinned out even more.

Good or bad,

It isn’t that simple.

Are we willing to seek an awakening & warmth again, or have we already surrendered to a life beating away from an old & cold heart?

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Stream of Consciousness 4/10/15

Blindfolded & carried away,

Deathly afraid & hoping this is all a nightmare I’m soon to wake from;

It sometimes seems the more understanding I gain,

The more confusing that which is my every day life becomes.

I begin wheezing,

Mind racing like a sports car with a cinder block on the gas pedal;

Only to realize the fear,

as with most fear realistically,

Is both irrational & irrelevant.

Changes can be overwhelming,

But are very needed.

Having little to no idea what is on the horizon has become normal;

It’s something I try earnestly to be grateful for,

But on the days when my heart resembles that of a time bomb

it’s difficult to have gratitude.

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Anxiously Explaining Anxiety

So, now it’s my time to talk.

The moment I’ve been waiting for,

& the moment I’ve imagined a thousand times over.

It’s culminating in this next sentence….

“I don’t know what to say.”

In this time of rushing emotions & heart rate,

The options feel seemingly small while there are many;

Fight or flight though,

While common shouldn’t be the default options presented.

Address your shortness of both breath & words,

Slow your running feet & sit a bit.

Breathe, let go of the battlefield mentality;

Honestly remember that the only thing you know for certain is that you don’t!

I don’t know,

That IS ALL I know.

Things are changing,

& I’m in need of change

as much as I may not be ready.

But I’ll get there,

somehow.

If life was “perfect”,

I’d ask to die;

Because a perfect life sound really boring,

Especially after all the adventures that have come with complications & tragedies.

It’s in this troubled state I’m currently in,

That I’m able to find happiness more pure than I’ve known before;

Yes, I find other feelings as well such as true depression & frightening anger,

But the happiness truly stands up to it all.

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Leave No Trace

On the run,

What direction is the correct one?

When there isn’t really anyone to follow,

Or at least it seems maybe too many to choose;

This isn’t really an easy question to answer.

Doing nothing is the only clearly wrong answer,

But I don’t even know if I’m asking the right question.

The masses are attempting to come together,

While the “select few” seem to be scattering.

Why do we consider university a high point of life,

When unity and diversity are seen as too much work?

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Thankful Preparation 再见

Rather than focusing on the end,

I’m taking this time to focus on how I’m in a state of preparation;

Or maybe I’m coming to realize this is a time of preparation.

As a new year begins,

While reflection is needed and good,

It certainly is not a time of completion.

Completion implies that all is done and over with,

But from where I’m sitting

things are far from done.

There is much going on in the world that must be addressed,

Change that cannot be counted in paper or coin.

Part of addressing issues though is through preparation,

It’s never about rushing to the “end”.

How can you travel on a new path,

Before you know it exists?

While there may not be a marked map of starting & finishing points,

It’s for our best.

For our illusory utopia would remain just that;

an illusion, because we either forgot or refused to learn one key lesson:

We need one another.

Not all who wander are lost, they just might not know how to ask for help.

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