Au revoir, à mon coeur et à mon âme

Walking pathways of death as respectful as one is able,

You find an occasional numb in the midst of being overwhelmed or unknowing of what to do and how to feel.

Faces of those who might know the area as home are illumined and regarded,

Faces of those visiting are studied as well out of curiosity,

And then those who are seeking a new home in this unfamiliar land;

They are the ones who you do your best to assure they have been seen,

While the world may seemingly pass them by.

In a world on edge,

Below ground can be a place to find peace.

When walking caverns that have become hallowed halls of history,

A certain stillness is found even when actively observing your surroundings;

knowing you’ve temporarily escaped the chaos and noise of society above.

In refining one’s self, you find that you also lose pieces of your “self”;

It makes you wonder if it’ll all be worthwhile,

or if it will be just another phase or season.

Something meant for a scrapbook rather than a defining step forward as a human,

Compulsion rather than immersion.

My critical eyes have been poked many times over,

But I believe the time has come to gouge them out.

For I’d rather gain knowledge blindly and objectively,

then have the privilege of sight but also the handicap of unneeded critique.

With bones dislocated, emotions suppressed or dead, and a mind rather empty;

What good would I pose as just another spoon fed oaf?

As I prepare to leave,

I don’t have a final destination.

As the mirror reflects a face that is familiar,

I don’t immediately acknowledge it as my own.

Maybe a shadow of someone I knew,

Or someone I’d rather forget I met.

Just a sketch of someone or something,

From a place no longer existent.

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Kneel & Disconnect

Entranced by familiarity once despised,

Not because anything likeable has been found;

But because your visceral feelings are now faded memories.

Vacant.

Empty and cold.

Only the debris remains.

Damaged Departures,

wishing it could’ve been done secretly.

Arriving while absent,

Overwhelmed by a flood of emotions with more hate than ever before

while remaining too exhausted to care.

My mind and the sky are twins today;

Cloudy, dark, and unwilling to change.

It’s been 3 months now,

And there is no time limit in sight;

However, implications of a grave future are melodramatic at best.

Adjustments are needed,

Continued change is somehow stunted but looking possible to start again;

The way we thought it was “back then”,

When things were “exactly how they should be”.

What a damned, filthy lie that was.

I could say I’m out of options,

But what would that do or say of my character?

I could wait for something “to happen”;

But that languorous state of being has brought me to this present moment.

“Where do I start?”, some might say.

Just start from exactly where you are at this moment,

Keep going,

And don’t stop until you arrive …

Somewhere, as long as it is not here.


 

 

 

 

 

 

New Versions of Old Ideas

You can only talk to yourself for so long,

No matter what could be the topic burning in your brain;

It’s far more exhausting sometimes just keeping track on your train of thought,

Than even the most awkward of interactions with others.

There is something about it though,

That glare of another persons eyes;

Burning through your back,

A look so familiar & yet unique for every situation.

Sometimes it’s a look of disdain or disgust,

It also could simply be a look of shock or listlessness.

But it sometimes just feels like the no vacancy sign is on worldwide,

And the only room for you is inside;

Inside your own head.

And you’d never think it could,

But it just might;

Now the one who wants to throw you out,

The one who doesn’t want you around is yourself.

Resign or Refine?

It’s all pretty simple.

Although, that’s only in word

where simplicity is found.

Ultimately, it’s a choice only oneself can make.

Just remember, that when you start to think you know;

You don’t.

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Shaken Inside

Waking up from a tightened chest,

Almost allergic feeling;

Overwhelming & crushing.

My chest feels like a bomb ready for demolition,

And the detonator has just been pressed.

Why is it so common,

Children assume the monster scaring them is under their bed;

When often the most real monsters,

Is the one in their bed and the ones they’re related to.

Embers & rubble,

The building blocks of society.

Where are we going?

Why do we demand gifts,

When we can’t bother to refine or renew what we have already?

Lying down stiff,

Frozen in fear;

Afraid that I’m a part of a mass disease.

But grateful that my mind doesn’t surrender to this wonder,

For humanity in and of itself isn’t a mistake or disease;

But we must stop wondering how things became so grave in condition,

It’s just a matter of looking in the mirror.

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I Won’t be Around

I miss missing you, I used to think distance was a curse; But now I love how far you are from me. The distance you are from me though, Is relative when considering how far out of reality you live. If you aren’t blind, It’s a wonder if you’re eyes even exist. Delusion is your middle name. Illusions are all you seek in relationships, But unfortunately it isn’t all you’re offered. I don’t have time to name you, Just the way you forgot I ever came around; Thankfully I didn’t know how to be present when it all came down. But when it blew up, Like gas to a book of fiery matches, It was both obvious & vague how you wanted things to be. Different than my usual routine, I’m walking forward instead of running away. Some thought I had signed up for a marathon, But I quickly took off my shoes & sat down. My calloused feet are becoming soft again, And the blisters bleeding aren’t even the worst experience with how I feel. I used to beg for people to forget me, Then I found they did it perfectly well on their own. I used to be grateful for this discovery, And then suddenly; As sudden as a change in weather, I started caring & it hurt a bit to swallow this glass shard of a pill. I wish I had more to say, But that’s how it’s been these days. My mind will race with the youthfulness found in a pack of stallions, Charging forward amidst passion & surpassing logic quite often; And then the audience is rendered deficient in attention, And suddenly the wall is proven to be solid when my bloodied mug recovers from the most recent collision. ——————————————————————

Iceburn

In a thick fog of depression & exhaustion,

I feel as though I could go swimming.

But that might only be because I can’t honestly think straight.

The only consistent thought of clarity as of late,

Is the rarity in which I feel able to relate.

I feel comparable to an hourglass;

As though I’m both the falling sand

and the glass it’s contained in.

Trapped only by my own doing.

Or at least, grossly aware of my prison.

It’s fitting though,

Seeing as though I locked myself away:

While it’s not wrong to have feelings,

It’s a mistake let those feelings take control.

If these thoughts would leave, I wouldn’t mind my head being like a hole.

Exit or not,

Sometimes you just aren’t sure.

But once it’s time to leave,

You must act or risk being consumed;

Consumed again in the fog of day,

The same gray that blinded & imprisoned you before.

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Things Better Lost Forever than Kept Temporarily

Loss is inevitable,

& ironically accidental on occasion.

The loss of materials however,

Are often given more importance than they’re due.

Even easier than our bodies,

All materials will eventually rot away back to formless dust.

Saying goodbye is healthy,

Not always ideal;

But better to learn willingly than be brainwashed into it.

In our world that avoids pain at all costs,

Perseverance is made out to be synonymous with jadedness.

In a time of history where stepping back & admitting wrongdoing,

whether on a local or international scale,

is something seen as stupid rather than noble & brave;

What more could you expect?

Don’t dread loss or avoid farewells long overdue,

In being encompassed by this resistance to reality;

You’ve effectively already lost you’re main & probably most unique to society.

Yourself.

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