Ancient Hate

Your words seem as hollow as your personality,

Trying to converse with you is like forcibly vomiting.

Nothing but nonsense is produced by you,

Yet it only makes sense that you’d live as a victim.

Always innocent no matter how guilty,

Always right even in the clearest time of wrongdoing.

You see our relationship like a vase you broke as a child;

All you need is super glue or maybe some duct tape,

And everything will be fine.

I, on the other hand;

See our relationship as nothing more than a funeral pyre,

Waiting to be set ablaze.

After all this time,

You wonder why I haven’t forgotten the way you have;

But you never bother see any scars except your own.

I don’t even want to own a home per se,

I just want some sort of sense of home.

An atmosphere or feeling,

However it should be worded,

Of something I’ve only known as illusive & fickle.

This may be an old story but unfortunately it’s a part of me.

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Letting the Devil out

I won’t apologize for what I’ve already done or am currently doing,

But I’ll admit that if my conscience can catch me;

Somewhere in my future may be an apology.

Whatever label you want to put on it;

The devil, darkness, evil, hatred, etc.

All the pieces of you & I we try to forget or silence,

All of the fork tongued speech that draws response for deaf ears;

Blind leading eyes & a rough body propelled forward by a cold heart.

Justice is depicted as blind,

But I have a feeling malice has its eyes wide open.

The sad thing is this sight is not in order to recognize the outcome of hate,

But it enables a crooked worldview to seem straight.

Black & white definition have little to no endurance,

When it comes to understanding darkness & light;

There are grand imitations & humbling complexity of & in both,

And so the defining line is thinned out even more.

Good or bad,

It isn’t that simple.

Are we willing to seek an awakening & warmth again, or have we already surrendered to a life beating away from an old & cold heart?

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Exploratory Surgery

Sometimes my mind is so congested with speech,

I wish I could hire a surgeon to slice it open;

As if my thoughts could just be filtered out that simply,

Or maybe not even filtered but rather released.

Amidst the breaking morning light & fatigues blurry sight,

I reach out similar to a blind man,

Feeling the darkness in order to sense a lightness of being.

Children are often scolded as they put themselves in danger,

But what if they’re reminding us to be curious again?

Of course, we should protect those we care about;

But what if in the times of danger,

They’re doing the main thing they can to call out the good in the unknown?

What if they’re reminding us that our enslavement to fear is voluntary?

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Tunnel Vision

My eyes seem to roll & wander,

Yet when contact is attempted;

My gaze darts straight & narrow,

Like that of a mouse discovered outside its hole.

Endings & beginnings share imminence as part of life,

But endings seem to come much quicker than any beginning.

To start is to be patient,

To end is to be final.

In a time of newness,

There can be a blurry & almost blind quality to how things are seen;

In a time of culmination, however;

Vision is best when found to be clear in its aim.

Displacement, a both funny & cruel phenomenon;

Chosen as funny both by onlookers & occasionally those experiencing it,

Most always considered cruel by all.

And yet as long as time has been measured,

Displacement has had a firm place within society.

Out of place, I feel at home.

Mainly as an alien,

‘Tis the primary time I feel free to roam;

Going from here to there & wherever,

As I long as I remain unknown

I feel the longed after freedom to roam.

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Stream of Consciousness 4/10/15

Blindfolded & carried away,

Deathly afraid & hoping this is all a nightmare I’m soon to wake from;

It sometimes seems the more understanding I gain,

The more confusing that which is my every day life becomes.

I begin wheezing,

Mind racing like a sports car with a cinder block on the gas pedal;

Only to realize the fear,

as with most fear realistically,

Is both irrational & irrelevant.

Changes can be overwhelming,

But are very needed.

Having little to no idea what is on the horizon has become normal;

It’s something I try earnestly to be grateful for,

But on the days when my heart resembles that of a time bomb

it’s difficult to have gratitude.

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Awakened by Apathy, Surprised by Salvation

I step onto dung encrusted pavement,

All my senses aside from taste are assaulted simultaneously.

I begin my usual, almost redundant, & predictable walk;

A walk of streets that for some inspire fear & anxiety

others are inspired to hunger for power & respect.

My main hunger as I walk these streets is typically either for food or to not be noticed.

On days where I’m noticed,

I have various choices.

I honestly speak & interact with whomever I encounter

resulting in mixed reactions ranging from pleasant to angry;

Or I can act ignorant & blind,

Either choosing to act as though I’m afraid of the tough talkers

or acting as though I don’t see the atrocities that keep these streets busy.

Sometimes I think so much that I wait for my brain to explode,

But the bomb never goes off;

And neither does my mind.

It just keeps running these marathons of contemplation;

Like a cocktail of aggravation & meditation.

It’s truly ironic & strange how we often embody what we hate,

Better to see the irony though before it’s too late;

It’s about taking time not some stupid concept of fate.

This is a call to people who actually think;

Next time you complain about a character trait or habit you don’t like,

Step back & take a look at yourself.

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When looking to make changes(really of any kind), please as tempting as it is; don’t begin to think you can do it completely alone.

Anxiously Explaining Anxiety

So, now it’s my time to talk.

The moment I’ve been waiting for,

& the moment I’ve imagined a thousand times over.

It’s culminating in this next sentence….

“I don’t know what to say.”

In this time of rushing emotions & heart rate,

The options feel seemingly small while there are many;

Fight or flight though,

While common shouldn’t be the default options presented.

Address your shortness of both breath & words,

Slow your running feet & sit a bit.

Breathe, let go of the battlefield mentality;

Honestly remember that the only thing you know for certain is that you don’t!

I don’t know,

That IS ALL I know.

Things are changing,

& I’m in need of change

as much as I may not be ready.

But I’ll get there,

somehow.

If life was “perfect”,

I’d ask to die;

Because a perfect life sound really boring,

Especially after all the adventures that have come with complications & tragedies.

It’s in this troubled state I’m currently in,

That I’m able to find happiness more pure than I’ve known before;

Yes, I find other feelings as well such as true depression & frightening anger,

But the happiness truly stands up to it all.

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