“the mean reds”

As I sat on the ledge,

Surrounded by the falling rain,

A storm developed inside me.

The first rainfall in a while,

Experienced in it’s fullness.

I seem to look down a lot from time to time,

It’s not necessarily a lack of confidence.

Sure there are moments,

But it seems to be a forlornness within me.

It comes in tides,

As unpredictable as the sea,

And at it’s highest of heights

it can sometimes crush me.

I sit in a room with two windows,

In the midst of a beautiful grey.

As I turn on my bedside lamp though,

The unnatural light is almost pain inducing bright.

There are times when I can relate to a nut named Holly Golightly,

Who thought the cure to anything was breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Much like a leaf caught by the wind,

Blown from one place to another.

At the mercy of pretty much everything,

Unsure if she had control of anything.

Settling is a foreign concept,

Adjusting is a profession.

God, I ask this of you;

if you please.

Please, help me become the man you intended me to be.

So as the vapor that is my life fades away,

I won’t die from the disease of pride or some other evil poison to humanity.

Let the relationships I take part in,

Be meaningful and deep.

Not just on the surface,

And without substance.

Let my life bring a smile to your face,

And see the coming of your kingdom haste.

Help me, Lord, as I walk through each day.

Reminding me to look beyond myself,

Just as you’ve always done.

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“There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you help you.”-Uncle Iroh, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Within

I’m trying my best,

Yet it sometimes feels like the worst.

Then again I’m so numb,

How do I know what it means to feel anything?

Like a body adrift at sea,

The waves crash on top of me while bringing some type of “peace”.

Is it really true,

Am I just another mass produced narcissist?

Does the only love I understand come shaped in a fist?

Are the demons of addiction and the dark of night,

Writhing in wait to see if they can stir me into a fright?

Where is the light?

I see it, somewhat thin but no less present.

I contemplate, can’t sleep, don’t want to dream.

What is within me?

Is it the person I try portraying to the outside world?

Or is my identity much like a scroll waiting to be unraveled?

Melancholy, Monotony.

Publicity, Stupidity.

No longer will I live caged.

Within the ocean I want to be,

Floating away to someone new.

Adrift from the captivity;

The captivity of identity, forced to remain within.

Please, Please Just Ask

Just as Morrissey once sang about his wants,

It’s sad to say even a beautiful song can’t convince me to ask for my needs.

Logic isn’t even worth the time,

Yet refusing to ask is as productive as it is for me to have every line of this writing rhyme.

Little or small, necessary or even more of a luxury;

There’s no measuring scale.

Just ask about what you need or what’s on your mind,

Honestly and straightforward.

Why should our potential be limited,

By that which we have complete control of?

Why should we settle for living in poverty and naivety,

For the sake of remaining in familiarity?

If the crossroads of you and your destiny being lived out is but one question;

Why is it that you’d rather wait around for regret to consume you with what could’ve been, instead of asking?

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The Ultimate War: Sleep VS. the Active Mind

Standing, ready in the sense that I’m exhausted.

Yet, my mind begins to find things;

Nothing really important or significant but things,

Things to occupy the mind’s eye with.

For just long enough my attention is distracted from rest,

That which I know I need and is best,

Onto making sure I remember days of the week in spanish.

Logic behind this?

Nonexistent.

But does it keep my racing mind going,

And my body further away from shutting down to rest?

It’s not until I address the uselessness of this questioning,

that my mind finally STOPS.

Or at least, pauses a moment.

This moment,

it’s length insignificant,

For this one moment a beast is finally at peace.

And it’s on this night,

As I lay my head down to sleep,

Rest actually seems possible

even without the supposedly helpful counting of sheep.

“Losing it all led me to you..”

Contemplation is the source of my current irritation.

It seems endless, both forced and chosen at the same time.

And as much as change seems good and necessary,

I still ask why.

Why is it that thinking patterns we know bring great pain,

It is these patterns we find such comfort in,

Are the absolute hardest to change?

Is it simply out of the pathetic fear of our own potential?

Our growth and change?

Just because we don’t “feel” ready for it?

Who said we have to be ready?

The past is just that,

The past,

And it will never be who I am now or who I am in the future.

Even who I am today may differ from whom I wake to in the morning,

Change is more wondrous than we like to think or see.

For example, an outstretched hand for help;

I never put out my hand in need of help because I always believed it would never come,

But I’m learning to put my hand out and finding that my hand will meet the grip of another.

Help does come,

maybe from unexpected sources,

But we stop it if we are too afraid to ask.

I could say that losing it all was what led me to you,

But it was more the realization of all I lost being no comparison to what I’ve gained & continue to gain.

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#rescuerestore

“I’m Christian”

What do you mean when you say, “I’m Christian”?

Does that mean you go to church every sunday?

Does it mean you go on Easter and Christmas and give money if you have change in your pocket?

Do you even know God?

Do you want to?

Unfortunately the answers to most of these questions in respect to the Christian majority,

Are quite blurry and varied it seems.

Do we really want God to be known for making nothing but ignorant people except for when it comes to schemes?

Schemes on how to start a cult, judge all of mankind, and starting multi-million dollar brands all in the name of God?

Because if this really is what it means to be a “Christian”,

Count me out.

You may ask what God I mean,

And I’ll kindly tell you that I mean the only one that actually exists.

The one who with many names, three persons who are all united as one, and the one who is the main focus of probably one of the most scrutinized yet demanded books worldwide.

The one they call Yahweh,YHWH, or Elohim.

A Savior, A Martyr, A Father, A Friend, A King.

A Creator, Sustainer, Innovator, Inventor, Doctor, etc. .

That is who I mean,

And no he’s not distant.

He’s here with me,

Even as I write this for your eyes to see.

From Attila to Zadok,

Benedetto to Yael;

He is the holy designer of all people and things!

I’m not concerned with religion, ritual, denomination, pastor, or priest,

Confession, rosaries, beads, books, theologies, or doctrines.

My main concern is the person, God.

Knowing who He is and being interested in knowing him the way I would my other friends.

To those who have been hurt by “christians” or “church people”,

Please accept my apology if you would.

We still can’t seem to figure out who our neighbor is,

So we do a lame job at loving our neighbor as ourself.

To those offended, questioning, or pushed away simply because you had a different view;

Accept my apology, to you I make this plea.

Christian or not, if we can’t see eye to eye instantly

we often shoot words without thinking.

Lastly, to all the “christians”:

Check out Matthew 16:24-25,

And talk to the God you “believe” in about what your like inside and out.

But don’t forget, God does respond.

So remember to pause, be silent for a bit, wait patiently, and listen.

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 “And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 And He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?” 27 And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” 28 And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.” 29 But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

The Good Samaritan(30-37)

30 Jesus replied and said, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among robbers, and they stripped him and beat him, and went away leaving him half dead. 31 And by chance a priest was going down on that road, and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 32 Likewise a Levite also, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion, 34 and came to him and bandaged up his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them; and he put him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 On the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper and said, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I return I will repay you.’ 36 Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the robbers’hands?” 37 And he said, “The one who showed mercy toward him.” Then Jesus said to him,“Go and do the same.” Luke 10:25-37 NASB