The Frailty of Youth

So young, strong, and vibrant I’m supposed to be;

Yet it hurts to even stand from the chair where I’m sitting.

Bending my mind to try comprehending,

Why at such a young age I hate to have my joints bending.

As I feel the waves,

Waves of sound washing over me…

These waves are some of the only reliable soothing I’ve ever known.

I can honestly say I don’t know what I’m feeling.

In some ways I have no interest in knowing,

But I do want it to stop.

Pain, I don’t mind.

Even agony is quite an experience to learn from.

But what is now,

is just confusing.

Trying to move forward when it feels as though I’ve forgotten how to walk,

Needing to speak when I’ve forgotten how to talk.

Because God is with me,

This I know,

To him I say;

God, please reform my soul.

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Ephesians 6:17

Breath out, breath in!

The worst disease to infect your system is about to begin.

A taste of life mixed with venomous sin,

So pleasurable at first, sucks you up and makes all your blood vessels thin.

 

But what there’s no drug or operation to remove it?!

Why, how could this be! Why the hell did it have to happen to me?

What do you mean it’s not a sickness, I wouldn’t lie about something like this.

If you don’t help me soon, you’re gonna meet the least friendly side of my fist.

 

If putting a person in bondage and making them gag is entertainment;

What do you do when you’re angry, threaten them with a hug?

 

Beautiful women made think they have less value than dog’s dung.

Handsome men turned into beasts on the outside, scared little slaves on the inside.

All for the dollar found in the trash, you died.

Save me from myself, you had sung.

 

It wasn’t just you that did this, but you did make the choice.

I’m sorry they stole your innocence, made you think you had no voice.

This doesn’t make it right, especially with all your pain and hurt.

If it was the answer, I’d do my idea and make their home permanently in the dirt.

 

For the battle is not mine to own, for it belongs to the Lord.

For he’s not only my father, friend, savior, and commander; for he is the maker of the Sword.

To Day

Today was interesting;

For starters, if my logic was an object I would have considered throwing it in the trash.

Logic didn’t seem as great as I remembered it being.

Sick of standards and values, regulations and principles.

Why not just give it all up?

Finally empty out all that is within me,

All the bad and the good.

Finally be able to experience emptiness,

That which I’ve sensed and observed

but have never probably experienced fully.

Memories of my past being uncovered,

Have been more joyful than leaving me feeling bothered.

Unexpected, most definitely.

But what now and where to?

I’ve asked, but I don’t want the answer.

Thankfully, just as before, no one is listening.

I’m not even listening to myself,

At least not by choice if at all.

I’m tired of my own voice.

Then again if it’s just going to be more the same, I’m done listening.

So, what now, where to, and when?

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What Can I Say?

Really, what is there that I can say that hasn’t been said?

Yet my mind feels ready to explode.

This feeling is much like what I imagine an atomic bomb to be.

It’s as if the nuclear energy has begun to release,

Yet it is somehow contained.

While I hate to admit it,

I still have those days…

Those days where you convince yourself if  you talk with(insert name here),

Everything will be okay.

The worst part about these days,

Often everything is okay but you’re just not content with what is ultimately good circumstances.

“I AM UNDONE”

This title that makes so much sense,

It seems the print is larger and more bold in front of my eyes than ever before.

Death, a fearful topic of mystery yet once fascinating from a place of self-hatred and curiosity.

Now it seems, while it still is mystifying, death has lost it’s once thought to be “friendly” grip on me.

Touching hands, a term forever changed for me.

Not having touched hands in so long, a longing has risen in me.

Maybe skeleton costumes were fascinating to me,

Because I thought the aligned bones on my clothes would realign the bones within me.

Maybe it’s because I finally let myself step out of line,

For once I’m on the way to being who I’m meant to be.

Out of line, undone, and out of control.

Yet rooted & moving forward in mind, body, and soul.

Seeing Clearer Than Before

My eyes are open,

or at least they seemed to be.

I wipe the dust away,

Colors seem different today.

I pause for a moment,

Letting it all sink in…

This welcome difference.

Essentially watching the earth rotate as I stand still,

I love this feeling.

Feeling so small in a world where people often are consumed in themselves,

It’s breathtaking.

Waiting for the next chance,

Patient but rough hands.

I once thought I lost you,

But it was just my weary eyes.

As rough as the skin may be,

My hands have finally come to peace.

Ceasing the toil of vanity,

Resting in a foreign form of sanity.

As I look ahead,

You seem within reach again.

My instincts tell me not to get my hopes up,

But I’m not worried about how or when.

I know there is more to hold onto,

More than I ever have or ever will let go.

 

 

Holdfast

The grip I once had on the things of life,

Or at least thought I had,

I never want again.

Loves found and loves lost,

It’s more learning what is and what was.

Was it love or was it lust?

Was it emotion or was there never really trust?

I once held tightly because of my care for you,

Now I have no desire out of wanting to care for myself too.

Often I’d forget that sometimes the best way to care for others

is actually by taking proper care of myself.

Another season comes,

Quicker than the one before,

But I know I’m almost ready.

Again, I am learning.

Lord, show me how to be deeply rooted in truth.

Strongly rooted for healthy growth,

Not forgetting the struggle but not being held back by it any longer.

Holdfast, my child.

There is nothing to fear,

Listen as I teach you wisdom beyond your years.

The Realization of Choice

After growing as part of a generation known for being self obsessed,

You think it’d be easy to admit selfishness.

While choices can be nice and convenient,

I’m truly seeing how much damage they bring.

Without any interference of words I’ve made choices,

Choices that have been more concrete than some words I may ever speak.

And yet I find regret in the solidified nature of these choices,

Because I see where it’s turned my heart and mind hard.

As I search for the right tool,

I find that reversing these choices once made

Will take more work than I knew.

Just as you should be careful what you wish for,

All the more be careful what you choose.

God restore light to my eyes,

A steady beat to my heart;

An openness to connect with other people,

And help me make sense of what to change in order to become

The man you made me to be.

Because if I’m still trying to figure it out on my own,

I may as well have been struck blind and dumb.

So I leave all who behold these words

With this question to ponder.

What choices have you made,

That with wisdom and effort,

Are you willing to admit you regret but instead of being bitter will work to change?

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