Screaming on the inside, whispering on the outside.

Can’t seem to focus my eyes today,

In the clouds grey they have found spots;

Of disillusionment and what feels like failing health.

The crying of a small child is the only equal I find,

Yet I cannot express physically the feeling which is mine.

Sometimes there is so much noise going on inside of me,

Yet I feel like I can’t make any noise come out.

My mouth is sealed by invisible thread.

My scream is mute.

 

Surrounded, yet sitting atop of the world.

Alone,

In the middle of what feels like millions.

And yet in all this confusion, emotions, and desire to run and find an ocean to dive into;

I’m able to occasionally find peace.

Peace only given from the still voice of my Father.

Thank you God, for always being with me.

Farewell

Farewell to suicidal tendencies,

Familiar mediocrity & relational atrocities.

Farewell to settling for what is comfortable & easy,

Pleasing the greedy & letting circumstance rule.

Changes are continuing,

Without and within.

Beyond my understanding,

I often feel confused yet hopeful in finding clarity.

I may be less opposed to change,

But not when it seems in vain.

Being sane is more than I can ask for,

Trying to control isn’t worth the effort or pain.

Away,

I’m finally set to go.

I’m not coming back,

But I will keep track.

Keep track of the changes & similarities,

Compare notes & see who comes back from this journey.

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Today, I came to realize that I am more than able see myself as valuable than ever before. My once steady “affair” with suicide & self-loathing is no more.

Re(a)lationships

You don’t know what you’ve had till it’s gone,

We’ve all heard some version of this cliche before.

Yet the most annoying part of this cliche,

Is the truth found in it.

We push, shove, grumble, take for granted, & forget;

Both the things & people that were once so “special”.

Suddenly your favorite shirt is old and out of style;

Your best friend is just not good enough for you.

Obviously there is no comparison between a person & a possession,

Because sadly it’s people we’re best at taking for granted & devaluing.

I’m not excusing or saying that we should be ungrateful for the things we have,

But we shouldn’t wonder how so many people are broken in this world when we can’t give the time of day unless we have a new clock.

Distance defines us,

Words malign us;

Desire & effort subsides within us.

Relationships are seen as “just too hard”.

All give and no take,

Somehow “everyone” is fake.

But, when did we (I) stop being apart of “everyone”?

The strong finger that we’re professionals of pointing at the world,

Suddenly seems it’s aim is off.

Where it should be pointing isn’t out or away from us,

But right back at us.

I’m not asking much,

But don’t blame shift just to have a crutch.

A crutch to make case for your supposed depression,

How “terrible & lonely” you feel.

When if you really took a look at all your “problems”,

A lot of them are choices.

So whether it’s someone you meet by chance & only talk for five minutes,

Someone you were partnered with & experienced a season together,

Or a relative in some form;

If the relationship seems to be nonexistent,

Be transparent about your own efforts before you start an inquisition.

Relationships are a two way responsibility.

If only maintained by one,

It will soon be done.

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Not that I think it will be questioned or doubted, but to clarify, I do know how to spell. Essentially the title is “Real Relationships”, I just in my opinion simplified it. 

Change of Heart

For so long it felt like my heart was a worn out bucket!

Empty, withering, & ignored;

It wasn’t much to look at & it seemed like there was no hope.

But I was wrong,

Oh how I was wrong!

 

Not only was there, but there is HOPE!

I don’t have to remain in pain & shame,

And they were never mine to take.

It’s not just my habits or thinking that needed to change,

But my heart to keep my life from being vain.

A vain display of selfishness & awareness of nothing,

Until I was invaded by what some people call something.

But it wasn’t something,

It is some one!

JESUS!

My God, father, friend, creator, & savior!

Because of you, Abba, I’ll never be the same!

And I don’t want anybody to feel like they are beyond change,

Because along with many others I’m a living breathing example of your hope.

You take people they feel like they’re nothing;

Merely shards of glass from broken window,

And you make them into someone beautiful & alive!

Not just enough to survive, but more than enough to thrive!

Forgive me for ever thinking that what I once had was good,

Even if it was all I knew

ignorance is no excuse.

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“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.” Psalm 51:10-13, NASB

“Abba” is the equivalent of Daddy in modern Hebrew, and according some linguistic studies it was originally meant to be an endearing way to address your father meaning “dear father”. As God’s children, we are not only allowed but have the birth right to call him father. Not for the sake of being religious or any artificial thing, but because he wants us to feel free & have an intimate relationship with dialogue about all of life. Whether you believe in God or not, I encourage you in a time where you may feel like there is no one to talk with to try talking to God. He really is an amazing listener & if we give him the space to respond, meaning we agree to listen, He will speak in due time in a way that is most fitting to you personally.

Doomsday Sayer

I’m sick of hearing people cry, “Come Lord Jesus”

Simply because they’re not able to afford Dolce & Gabbana.

Jesus’ second coming isn’t supposed to happen,

just because you can’t find work.

Jesus isn’t coming back because you can’t find a girlfriend or boyfriend,

Nor is His second coming because life is a little bit more uncomfortable.

Jesus isn’t & never was supposed to be seen like a Santa Claus!

Fully God & Fully Man;

The holy, perfect, divine Son of God.

Jesus Christ came to fulfill His purpose as Messiah;

Our Savior.

Put to death like that of a criminal,

Overcame the grave & risen to life in the glory of a King!

Kingdom come, God’s will be done from every corner of the Earth as it is in Heaven!

Forgive us our empty cries for your second coming, Jesus!

May we shut our mouths about the temporal & refocus on the eternal.

Open our eyes & our hearts to You being in the centre of it all.

To you, our Risen King, be the glory.

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“The Lord is good,
A stronghold in the day of trouble,
And He knows those who take refuge in Him.”-Nahum 1:7 NASB

Take refuge in the Lord, but don’t treat Him like an ATM. Cry out to Him, honestly & wholeheartedly. I plead with you though, reflect on the times of when the Bible was authored & thank God we are alive in the time we are. We still have no idea what kind of troubles we could be experiencing.

Enough Looking Back, I’m Moving Forward.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of time to think.

Thankfully even though I’m finally of age & occasionally desired to,

I haven’t chosen to drown this time in drinks.

Sometimes I still can’t believe this is my life.

What did I do to deserve this?

The good, bad, hurtful, ugly, unexplainable, & awesome;

All of the of above, & everything in between.

How is this mine?

I’m headed to yet another new land,

An amazing opportunity for many discoveries.

But first I must make a choice;

Will I panic & let it slip away,

Or will I look fear in its ugly face & take it head on?

There have been times recently where I’ve felt similar to a lizard;

As I reach out & get my limbs cut off,

Amidst the lack of response I quickly recover & keep trying.

Just as a lizard grows a new tail,

I continue to move forward in pursuit.

But amidst the busyness of life,

Those I felt were once needed have proven to still be human.

In their humanity,

They can’t always be there if I “need” them & they shouldn’t have to be either.

The latter part though, took some time to figure out.

Basically, I’m learning & continue to learn who I can & can’t depend on.

Is it easy, comfortable, painless, or fun?

No.

Needed?

Definitely.

And so, enough looking back at what was or what could have been.

I’m moving forward.

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L’oeuf

I’m not one to encourage suppression,

But from reports done over recent years

Love seems pretty depressing.

Then again what is love, actually?

Is it physical, intellectual;

Is it both or is it neither?

I think many are convinced,

The possibility of loving someone has been minced.

But is this really the world we want to live in & for?

Isn’t love still something worth dying for?

Or is it just another piece of merchandise?

On the shelf next to the photo of people you don’t call,

Souvenirs you never needed & dust is love’s place of “rest”.

But, I want to leave you with just one simple question.

In the end,

What do you want for the world’s definition of “love” to be?

Do you want to be representative of the number zero,

Or of a true connection?

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“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:12-13