The Willing Nomad; Finding life, contemplation, and hope in not having a permanent address

Living in the land of the free while feeling caged,

The wild child in me is aching for freedom.

L’Enfant Sauvage. Such a beautiful way to express my need of freedom than “the wild child”.

From foreign to familiar, one desire I’ve found is never lost.

BEAUTY.

 

So judgmental of myself, it’s disgusting.

I want to change, but my habits are much like a machine past any restoration after rusting.

It always so easy to rattle off the inspirational and wise words of past philosophers about change to others,

But where is our wise input that was once so needed when we need to find change for ourselves?

From foreign to familiar, one of a few needs is consistent.

PERSPECTIVE.

 

My mind racing quicker than a bullet,

What is it that makes saying all the harsh things so easy even when I shouldn’t?

I claim honesty in the face of opposition and offense,

But it’s honesty at the cost of dignity, peace, and painful laments.

From foreign to familiar, one constant presence I wish I could find less of.

WORDS.

 

Foreign or familiar, enough is enough.

Whether I have home with a bed, or street corner as the place to lay my head

I don’t need these things and space being taken up by useless stuff.

Are my piles of junk the only inheritance, the only thing I want to be remembered by when I’m dead?

 

Home is no longer a building where my bed is or I find rest,

Home is where I find hope, love, encouragement, and creativity at it’s best.

Foreign or familiar I know I’ll find home again

I’m just waiting on you to point out the where and when.

 

No longer do you have to ask, whom shall I send?

For here I am! Send me.

 

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Partly inspired by a book titled Foreign to Familiar: A guide to understanding hot and cold climate cultures ( just to be clear the main inspiration, not that it’s hard to spot was mainly in just the repeated use of the phrase “from foreign to familiar, etc.). Ending mostly inspired by one of my all time favorite verses, Isaiah 6:8 KJV and the song “Isaiah (The Willing) by For Today.

Also on a translation note, L’enfant Sauvage is french for the wild child. This inspiration came from a wonderful French metal band I love, Gojira who are releasing an album with this title in June.

Escapism: an ugly vice that’s helped me make beautiful art.

Feeling like I’ll kill a man just by spitting,

I contemplate the value of honesty as I sit here thinking.

If I’m honest with you, why can’t you be honest with me?

Is it really not valued or seen as necessary?

Escaping is my art to try and stop the bleeding of my heart.

I yell NO! No, stop it now! For you are not my master and you won’t take my life.

Soaking wet, nervous, bloodied, battered, and broken.

The only way I can compare it is what I’d envision is the feeling after being raped.

A violation so disgusting you almost can’t be mad, but so angering you don’t know whether to yell or cry.

Aftermath: Feeling colder inside than the dead in ninety degree weather.

Will I ever feel the same, tell me! Just tell me sometime before never! PLEASE!

I finally understand those wicked men mentioned in the psalms and my brother David’s anguish as they cried “Where are you, GOD!?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!!

But it is not wickedness that has brought me to understand this or be in a state of question.

For if I was ready my question would find succession with an answer.

But the only thing I didn’t realize kept me from being ready,

When all this time it was the one aspect I thought was most steady.

The reason I wasn’t ready was because I didn’t want to listen.

Here I was blaming you for all my troubles,

When you were the one way I could be rescued.

I let my pain and loneliness, engross me.

When you had open arms and wanted to host me.

I let the world convince me that conditional speech , thoughts, and actions were the way.

Until you opened my eyes and taught me to live differently.

The way that’s real. The way where you can feel. The way that often doesn’t have much appeal.

THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE.

———

partly inspired by James 3:5-9, various psalms, and other verses in scripture.

Reflections of the Repentant; Born Again.

It’s not about how long. It’s about when.

When are you going to submit control the control you’ve wanted but never had?

When are you going to admit your lust of control, and surrender to the plan?

The plan you know has always been available, for your best life possible, that you so long refused to believe was real.

You accepted your worst and biggest fear as normality.

Living a life of disconnection, no inspiration, and mediocrity.

But there is a solution to be found, and it’s not even shocking or revolutionary.

For as you already know this life isn’t your own, now you just need to surrender to HIM who makes sure you are never alone!

This may not be eloquent, brilliant, or intellectually sophisticated.

But if that we’re my aim, who and what I’m talking about wouldn’t be my concern.

Enclosed the prison cell of sin,

Thoughts from the outside coming in.

If it weren’t for you, my Father who is the key;

I’d need to cry eternally “HOW LONG?!” only to find I’d never be free.

But by your blood I have been cleansed,

By your fire my passion is renewed.

I only ask that this world never consumes me again,

But I can’t do it alone, so I open my heart and say “Please! Come in.”

Psalm 13; Born Again?

HOW LONG! OH GOD, HOW LONG!?

Will I wear the cross around my neck,

Only to hide even from myself how I’m really a train wreck.

Looking more religious than a pharisee,

Such a dirty inside nothing can be seen.

How can I be born again,

When I don’t deserve the opportunity in the first place?

What’s the point of being born again,

If no matter what my life is a living hell in the end?

Change won’t happen over night,

And no matter how hard I try or lie to myself about it;

IT’S NOT ALL UP TO ME!

I need to want to change,

This is true.

But it’s because of you, the one who offers me this rebirth.

I can change my life and make the impact that’s my purpose of being on this earth!

WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?!

I can tell you it’s not sin, that’s for sure.

I seek life for this time, something inside and not on the surface.

Something true, real, and more than a basis of feel. Finally!

I will be free,

But only if I surrender and keep moving forward.

You’ve always looked upon me with favor,

even when I turned away.

Thank you for never giving up, and not letting me stay that way.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” Jer. 29:11-14

It’s not about seeing him or touching him. It’s about knowing him, and that is ENOUGH.

So frustrated I can’t see straight,

So numb I’m not sure whether I’m filled with sadness or hate.

But ultimately this isn’t what I need or want,

What have I done?

Where did my priorities get off track?

It all looked like it would work on paper.

But words aren’t life, if anything they’re death.

Thank you God for being the deliverer and source of the word of life.

In the state I’m in, I really should be content.

But I’ve seen homeless people more at ease and content than me.

Help me know you, not know christianity or religion or some pose.

Help me know you; God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit person that you are.

You may not be covered in the flesh I can touch or see,

But you were when you died for me.

Now you live and you are still here with me, able to understand better than even I can.

Help me not seek lies, illusions, and things of no worth.

Help me break the chains I have been bound in this prison called earth.

I love your creation Lord, thank you sharing it with me.

I also thank you for helping me know that there is more beyond it though, so that I’m not broken with no recovery possibly seen.

It’s like the song says, This world is not my home I’m just passing through.

Thank you for helping me realize that you chose me, and the importance of choosing you.

Free to Burn

I am the caged bird who learned how to pick the lock,

I find beauty in the ugly and what shocks.

There is freedom to be found in surrender,

While self control helps the end not come quicker.

A pile of frustration is as useful as a pile of trash,

When all is said and done, there is more value found in ash.

To be on fire for a foundation or organization that’s nice.

But how about being the fire in a world of ice?

Live in the truth and spread it like fire,

Let hardness of heart and grudges be the fuel of a mass funeral pyre.

This is the end of the beginning, today we are anew.

Burning ones, move on and continue being the living break through.

Living in the City of Colour

Free as the blue bird flying through the trees.

The only black and yellow is the bees,

no more signs or cars just an unending light brighter than the stars.

For once the desire to be known won’t be driven by status, gender, or skin colour.

For this desire will be a true care for the other person, a curiosity about him or her.

Peace in the unknown and guidance for the lost,

Am I dreaming, how much does it cost?

I’m sure it’s a price I could never pay or afford,

But that is why even our battles of the mind belong to the Lord.

We were never meant to pay just the as we weren’t meant to lose our way,

But even after all that He was still glad to show us The Way.

How can I be here today and deny there is a Way?

How can anyone say that the Way doesn’t work for them?

How can they say there is no God because of our faults coming to light?

The goats will go to the left, sheep to the right.

Independence can come at the price of living in darkness and an easy life,

Living in dependence, upon his strength and guidance and love undening,

Now that is truly being able to live in the marvelous Light.